Finding Happiness

Moving to Blogger

As much as I hate to leave Typepad, my year is up and I can't justify paying for blogging when I can do it for free.

So head on over to my new blog and say hello. 

Busy Being Creative

I've decorated the house for Christmas, made a wreath for one door, made a paper tree with Abby and started to crochet a sock. I have never crocheted socks before. While I was following the directions, I kept thinking that it just wasn't making sense to do it that way, like I knew a better way. But I continued to follow the directions and sure enough I started to see it all come together. Kind of like me with AA. At first nothing made sense, I thought I knew the better way but I kept coming back, holding on until it all came together.

So if I'm not around much this weekend, I'm busy being creative, something I enjoy but never take the time to do.

Ugh

I ate way too much today.

But I made it through sober.

Hoping everyone else had a safe, sober Thanksgiving.

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for:

• Getting Trevor a replacement phone that normally costs $130 for only $30
• Cheryl getting into detox today where she is safe and on her way to getting well
• Good friends that take the time to listen
• Diet Coke
• That tomorrow I don't have to get kids off to school

What are you thankful for today?

Daily Reprieve

I attended two meetings today-one at noon and one at 8pm tonight. The noon meeting was awesome, it was based on how we only have daily reprieve. We discussed relapse at length. As a newcomer and as someone who has had someone that I am very close to relapse, I needed to hear what was said.

I'm still in shock over Cheryl's relapse and it hurts to have her be so distant from me but I understand that facing me is hard for her. She thinks she has let me down, she's carrying alot of shame and anger. I'm torn between wanting her to know that I am there for her and wanting to give her the space she needs. She's had alot of people after her, I witnessed that at the morning meeting yesterday and I can see why she has stayed away from meetings since then. Everyone has good intentions but sometimes what you perceive as good for a person just isn't.

Tomorrow Cheryl is going to a detox center for 10 days. She will miss Thanksgiving with her family but she needs to go somewhere where she can safely detox and she has finally accepted that. One of the reasons I've been so worried is that she was trying to detox on her own and considering what she has been taking and ingesting, I feared she may not live through it.

I do kind of feel like my whole core of support has fallen apart, I'm going to trust that everything will work out eventually. I'm hoping once Cheryl is in a better place she will come to see that everyone just wants her to be well. I wish I could reassure her that she is not being gossiped about. It's not like everyone is whispering behind their hands about her relapse. But I know it's not my place to get involved in all that. I think when her mind and body are clean, she will come to see that on her own.

My other concern is her sponsor who is also my sponsor. Senta is harboring some hard feelings about all of this. She's angry she wasn't notified on Tuesday when Cheryl was in a very bad place but in all honesty, I don't think it was done intentionally. Senta was out of town and the situation was urgent. Basically Senta feels everything was handled wrong and she may be right. I don't know. I just feel like that is not the issue and none of us need to be fueling the fire-Cheryl is mega paranoid all on her own.

I also don't like the feeling of having to take sides. I'm not going to. I'm going to continue to be friends with all the same people and I refuse to get involved in all the other "stuff".

I also found out that Jim (the guy I wrote about a few posts back) ended up in the ER yesterday, completely incoherent and now he is back in rehab. I am so glad he is now safe and getting the help he needs.

Having watched both Cheryl and Jim relapse, it has made me really see how my sobriety is truly a gift and something I can never, ever take for granted. I can't get complacent. I've also realized how careful I have to be about my medication, making sure I take what I'm supposed to and being very cautious about over-the-counter medications, mouthwash and any pain medication that I would possibly need. Basically anything that will alter the way I feel. Thankfully my lexapro doesn't affect me like that and synthroid doesn't either and those are the only two medications I have to take.

I should be going to bed but I'm wide awake. My brain is refusing to shut down. Time to read my book and settle in.

Sunday Ramblings

I am so happy that the price of gas has gone down because that means the price of propane is even lower which is how we heat our home. We have a gas burning stove in our living room that I love but it burns quite a bit of gas and with the state of our finances I was worried that we would never be able to turn it on this winter. This morning I got up and it was cold, very cold in the house and I turned on the stove, both the puppy and I curled up in front of it. Nothing like a toasty puppy...

It's the little things, right?

I almost didn't go to my normal morning meeting-there is drama brewing about in my circle of friends and I didn't know if I was up to seeing any more of it.

I did see Cheryl today and I saw her yesterday. She spoke with me briefly, telling me a little about what was going on with her. It is way worse than I could've imagined and I have to admit that I am truly afraid for her. She is so angry right now and defensive, so unlike the Cheryl I have come to know.

I was told by someone that you are to never put another person on a pedestal because we are all human therefore we are not perfect. And I realized that one of the reasons that I've been so sad and out of sorts since learning of Cheryl's relapse is that maybe I was putting her on a pedestal. I have admired her and looked up to her since day one, I have held on to her example of sobriety as I held on to my own. And now I just feel, I don't know how to explain it, I guess there's a part of me that feels let down.

I don't know. This whole situation is a mess, I wish that Cheryl was able to be more honest with me and maybe when she is ready, she will me. She doesn't want me to believe everything I hear,  however, she's not telling me anything to dispute what I've been told. And I'm trying not to believe everything because really, it's none of my business.

I am worried about her, she is like a different person, I mean I can't get over the change in her since I spent time with her last week. I guess she just feels ashamed, she feels like she's let people down and she's keeping everyone at arms length, she's using her anger to keep herself safe.

I don't like feeling caught in the middle of my group of friends, it's very bad right now. It's almost like I'm supposed to be picking sides. It's very uncomfortable and I find myself not wanting to go to meetings because of the awkwardness.

I'm considering attending a few meetings in a nearby town just to give myself a break from all that.

Today I'm going to get on some comfy clothes, I'm in the mood to cook so maybe I'll dig out some recipes, I'm going to watch some football, maybe take a nap. I'm going to enjoy being in my cozy, warm home.

I'm going to trust that God is in control.

Good Day

Tonight I was the speaker at the Friday night young peoples meeting. I was beyond nervous but I just prayed and went for it. And you know, I made it through just fine. It was a great way to end this challenging week.

I spent the entire day at home. It was cold and snowy outside, a perfect day for curling up in bed with my dog and good book.

My grandsponsor who is now my sponsor called me and we talked for awhile. From what I can gather the situation with Cheryl is quite a mess, not just because she has relapsed but there is something brewing with a couple of other women. Apparently Cheryl is accusing these women of wanting her to fail, that they've been talking about her.

I'm not really sure what is going on because I have yet to really talk with Cheryl. She did call me earlier but we didn't talk long, she just wanted to apologize and her last words were for me to not believe everything that I hear.

I'm feeling a little caught in the middle because I am close to the other two women and I am close to Cheryl. I don't know what the truth is. I want to support Cheryl but I don't want to get caught up in a bunch of drama.

Anyway.

Tomorrow the kids are going to my sisters after lunch so I'll be kid free until some time on Sunday. I have no idea what I'm going to do and that's ok.

I want to thank all of you for thinking of me and praying for me. This week has been a hard one but honestly, the whole episode on Monday and what has gone on with Cheryl jerked me out of my own head and made me see how much I have to be grateful for now and the upcoming holiday season. I'm no longer dreading the holidays.

I have my sobriety, what more could I ask for?

More Sad News

I just found out tonight that my sponsor has relapsed.

And that it's really bad.

I had no idea.

I have not heard this directly from my sponsor. My grandsponsor did tell me that my sponsor did need to talk with me, when I asked if she was ok, my grandsponsor said she was fine but that she couldn't elaborate. That I needed to hear everything from my sponsor first and then she (my grandsponsor) needed to talk with me.

After hearing that I assumed that maybe my sponsor didn't want to sponsor me anymore or something. I never even considered a relapse a possibility.

So technically I'm not supposed to even know all this.

I am sad right now.

I hope my sponsor gets honest and gets help.

Her name is Cheryl if you'd like to keep her in prayer.

Wednesday Stuff

Today I met with another state trooper that had a picture of a possible suspect as well as pictures of possible vehicles. Unfortunately the possible suspect has no resemblance at all to the man I saw, however, I do think there was someone sitting in the truck waiting but I can't say that with 100% certainty.

I was able to pinpoint the kind of vehicle down to make, model and year.

I spent the morning at the pediatrician with Abby, she has bronchitis. She's on antibiotics and a prescription cough medicine to help her sleep tonight.

Tonight was Trevor's football banquet-didn't want to go because I am tired with a capital t. But I did and I'm glad.

Now I'm trying to wind down for the night which is hard. I've been a bundle of nerves the last 2 days. I go from being afraid, to sad, to down right angry.

The great thing is I haven't once thought about a drink. Honestly I am so glad that I have been sober through all this.

The situation with Jim (I wrote about it a few posts back) has not improved. Apparently Jim has been inappropriate with at least two other women so the director of the alano club wants to talk with each of us privately. I was told that Jim showed up at the 6:30pm meeting on Saturday pretty intoxicated. It's just sad, so sad. He was doing so well.

I have not been to the club since last Thursday, I guess I've been avoiding the place, avoiding the whole situation.

I guess I'm going to go read and try to relax. I hope I sleep well tonight. I will try and stop by to see all of my blogger friends tomorrow, I'm sorry I've been so out of touch.

Moving On

I have spent the day trying to get things back in order.

I had to get a new license.

We had to open a new checking account.

Tomorrow I have to call our insurance company and get new insurance cards for me and the children. And I have to get the kids new social security cards.

I barely slept last night.

It's just unsettling.

Tonight is my womens meeting and I so need to go. I need to be around my friends.